After listening to Hitting A Pandemic Wall? Remember to Show up For Yourself from Life Kit I understood the value of setting boundaries
Setting boundaries helps to establish a framework within which a relationship can exist. It can help to clarify the expectations and desired outcome of said relationship, while protecting and respecting our own needs, as well as the needs of others.
Having boundaries can help identify when ours, or others, needs outstretch/outgrow the relationship. In such cases this may lead the relationship to develop into a new direction or require a new relationship to be developed elsewhere.
Having healthy boundaries within our relationships can help all of us achieve a more balanced life. Expecting our work colleagues to care about our personal life as much as our close friends and family do, could lead to frustration and resentment when they don’t support us in the way that we desire. Similarly, expecting our friends or family members to sit with us for hours, hashing out hypothetical conversations about our work colleagues could also lead to friction and resentment.
In this post I will discuss what I learned, from listening to the conversation between podcast host Shereen Marisol Meraji and Rachel Wilkerson Miller, author of The Art of Showing Up. In the Life Kit episode, Hitting A Pandemic Wall? Remember to Show up For Yourself.
Setting boundaries means being international about how you spend your time
Find out what it is you really want, what you need help with. Then think about how you can meet your own needs, how you can be additionally helped or supported. And what that help or support looks like to you.
A lot of our time is spent doing things that other people want us to do. Whether that be in education, growing up at home or as part of a job. Very often we don’t stop to ask ourselves what we really want and who would be able to help with getting to what we want. Many instances we’re likely to go above and beyond to help others, even at times when we don’t really want to. Which exposes us to potential hurt feelings when we don’t feel our efforts of support are appreciated or reciprocated by others.
Making a plan and being more intentional about respecting our own feelings and capabilities will help us to set better boundaries within which our relationships can thrive. That means if you want someone to share in the joy you feel about getting a new kitten, you would have a more satisfying response from someone who shares your love of cats. And suggesting an alternative date to meet with a friend, who frequently cancels at the last minute, rather than rearranging your prior engagements. Though it might feel a little uncomfortable, it will also save you from feeling like you are juggling multiple plates to keep things going. And will establish boundaries within the relationship than thrive. All the while protecting your needs, and respecting your values.
Setting boundaries looks like, aligning your choices with what is important to you
Saying no to someone or something is often seen as a bad thing. Especially if the person you are saying no to is not you. However, in saying no to one person or opportunity, you are in fact saying yes to someone else and/or a different, perhaps better, opportunity.
When establishing boundaries it is important to know what you are saying yes to and what you are saying no to. Saying yes to helping a friend move when you are unwell or nursing an injury, is the same as saying no to helping yourself get over your illness or heal from your injury. And on the flipside, saying no to a friend who wants to come round for dinner, when you know you have had a tough day an want to soak in the bath and relax. Is you saying yes to taking care of your needs so that you can better show up for your relationship with your friend.
Taking care of physical and emotional needs will help prevent us from getting into emotional debt. Being in emotional debt in our relationships can lead to friction and feelings of resentment. If you did agree to your friend coming round for dinner and then spend the whole time rehashing how bad your day at work is or was very withdrawn because of how your day was. You would be ignoring the needs of your friend who may need support from you about something, or might want to spend time in your fun-loving company. But it is hard to be there, and show up, for others when we fail to show up for ourselves.
Setting boundaries and sticking to them
More often than not, what we believe we are doing, what we wish we were doing and what we are actually doing, don’t match up. Even though we’ll tell ourselves that they do.
This can happen because somewhere along the line we got so used to going along with what other people have been asking, wanting or expecting us to do. We started to believe that that is what we wanted all along. I like to call this The Intention Paradox.
The only way to break this paradox is to take stock of what is most important to us, what things or activities bring us joy/happiness. And then tally this against what we actually spend our time doing. Only then will we be able to see where we need to place boundaries, and begin to work towards a more balanced life. Which eventually leads to the life we wished for ourselves.
Setting boundaries can be hard. However, lasting change happens in increments
The first time you say no, or ask for arrangements to be adjusted to better suit your schedule could feel uncomfortable. There could even be some resistance felt from the other person, especially if they are used to having things work out for their benefit. However, like with all new things, the first few times will be hard, a little awkward even. The key is to preserve in making small incremental changes over a period of time until you have been able to feel comfortable setting your boundary as intended.
The number of changes, and the time you allow for your boundary to set. Will depend on how the relationship, and the boundary needed, aligns with what is important to you. There may be instances when you do need to set your boundary quickly, and in other instances you may give yourself and the other person more time to get used to the changing circumstances.
Throughout this post I have focused on the benefits of creating boundaries in our relationship with others. It is as important to create boundaries in our relationship with ourselves.
After reading this post, I do hope you will feel inspired to take stock of what is important to you and begin to audit how you spend your time. I would also caution you to be mindful not to expect things to change overnight. Lasting change is something that happens in increments over a period of time. Doing one thing every day that aligns with your values, will see you end the year having spent 365 days doing at least one thing that you truly valued and was of a benefit to your wellbeing.
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